Some Thoughts on Shame vs Guilt
Both shame and guilt may be uncomfortable feelings clients seek to talk through in therapy; both may instigate an experience of internal distress that can feel similarly negative, perhaps a sinking feeling in the stomach, a tightening in the chest, the impulse to run away, or hide to avoid others.
There are differences however, in what these emotions may have to say, who or what they’re directed at, and ultimately how much room they may afford us to grow or learn. Read on further for some psychoeducation about the distinction between shame vs guilt.
If you find yourself struggling with an undue or excess amount of shame or guilt in a way that significantly impacts your life. You may consider reaching out to a mental health professional for support.
What is Guilt?
In short, guilt communicates to us when we feel we may have done something wrong, that we’ve perhaps hurt or harmed another, that maybe we’ve been disloyal, or behaved out of character with our values. If we have a balanced relationship with our guilt, it may be prosocial, inviting us to apologize, make amends, or learn from our mistakes.
Generally, we feel guilt about an action or lack of action; but the action we feel guilty about remains differentiated from how we feel about ourselves overall. Guilt may also be more directly connected to fear of negative impact on others, of disappointing others, or of disappointing ourselves in some way.
What is Shame?
Unlike guilt, shame doesn’t communicate to us that we’ve done wrong, shame communicates to us that we are wrong. It attempts to convince us that some fundamental aspect of us is broken, possibly leading us to feel disenfranchised, isolated, unworthy, or unlovable.
Where guilt may move us to address our accountability to others or ourselves, shame may more often move us to withdraw from others or expend our energies warding it off. Shame turns us against ourselves. Even when it tries to keep our behaviours in check, if we feel we are bad full stop, that often doesn’t give us the space to take realistic steps towards change.
My Work with Shame vs Guilt
While feelings of guilt may be adaptive in certain contexts, it can become challenging when guilt starts to interfere with us experiencing a reasonable right to our autonomy, to making aligned decisions for our lives, or when it is connected to overconcern for others’ opinion of us.
When shame becomes something that we’re relentlessly focused on alleviating, we live to avoid shame, rather than living authentically. In my work with guilt and shame, I explore with my clients what these emotions might be trying to do for them, what they inadvertently infringe upon, and how to create a more balanced relationship with them.
Feel free to reach out for a 20-minute therapy consultation to learn more about how I might work with undue experiences of shame or guilt.
Shame vs Guilt FAQs
What’s the Difference Between Shame or Guilt and Embarrassment?
While words like “ashamed” and “embarrassed” are seen used interchangeably, embarrassment may be more connected to others’ perceptions of us, or self consciousness around how others might view us, whether or not we did something that may have had impact on others. We may feel embarrassed about an action without necessarily feeling shame. Embarrassment may more often be connected to a social mistake, arising situationally more so than chronically like shame.
What’s the Difference Between Shame and Humiliation?
If the negative emotions a situation brings up in us feel congruent with a negative core belief we already hold about ourselves, we may be more inclined to experience shame. We may be more likely to feel humiliation when we feel undeserving of a negative appraisal or experience that happened and when that experience poses a blow to self-esteem or self-confidence.
Can Shame Ever be Positive?
The intent behind shame, whether it’s coming from others or ourselves may have positive intentions when the shaming is done to protect from harm, from pain, or from ostracization. However, even in these instances, shame’s critical impact over time often causes the very pain or stress it tries to protect from. Because shame can be such an overwhelming, all-encompassing feeling, it scarcely affords people access to the realistic tools they’d need to make improvements.
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