Attachment Focused Therapy

If our caregivers were, for the most part, attuned, accepting, and sensitively responsive to our needs, it is more likely we’ll experience a base level of trust in our relationships, resilience during times of relational struggle, and an ability to sensitively navigate both our own needs and the needs of others. These people tend to feel comfortable with both closeness and distance in relationships; they may also feel more lasting reassurance after reconciliation of relational ruptures. An earned secure attachment style and experience in relationships, or more reliable access to it, may be one of the goals attachment therapy strives towards.

If our caregivers were inconsistent in their responses to us, for example, if they were sometimes attuned to our needs and feelings, but at other times rejecting in a way that made it hard to anticipate what sort of response we were going to get, we might have learned to cling, stay close, demand loudly, or make ourselves unavoidable in effort to coax them into attuning to us, understanding us, or providing comfort and soothing.

Essentially, we learned that to get our needs met in relationships, we needed to work really hard. Our attachment system then wires to seek out responsiveness from inconsistently responsive people while priming us for uncertainty within those relationships. The relational experience is often typified by emotional overwhelm, sensitivity to rejection, fears of abandonment, a need to control outcomes, and when reassurance is offered, it can feel fleeting, causing stress, low relationship satisfaction, and low self esteem.

If our caregivers were consistently invalidating of our experiences, or avoided relational closeness, we might have come to learn that the best way to meet our needs, is to meet them ourselves, and avoid relying on other people, leading to what might appear to be a hyper independence when it comes to relationships.

Our attachment system in this case wires to disown or make inaccessible our desires for connection, potentially causing panic, impulses to run from intimate relating, or to unconsciously downplay the impact of relationships, withdrawing from them when confronted with someone’s interest in getting close to us. While this impulse to flee and return to our independence or alone time can soothe us temporarily, it can also make us miss out on the very closeness we may have never truly felt allowed to seek out.

If we experienced a level of pronounced fear in relation to our caregivers, for example if our caregivers were frightening, frightened themselves because of external circumstances, or dissociated, then they may have served at times as a space for safety, while at times activating a threat response within us. We may have been caught in the tension of approaching our caregivers for comfort while simultaneously experiencing the need to distance from them.

In this case, our attachment responses can appear disorganized or contradictory; we may both move towards and turn from connection, distance from others while at the same time wanting to reach for them. It can often leave us feeling confused or experiencing constant emotional swings.

In my work, I view my clients’ attachment responses with respect and compassion, even if these responses may be making things frustrating for them in their relationships currently. After all, our attachment systems enabled us to make sense of the adults in our lives growing up, and how they ticked, so that we could get our needs met. The good news is that now we may learn to speak about and nonreactivity advocate for those needs in new ways.

If this approach to therapy sparks your interest, please feel welcome to reach out via my contact page for an initial 20-minute virtual consultation to speak more about how sessions with me could support you.